Moving On for the Better

I know I haven't updated for a long while and to be honest, I don't know how many of you are actually regular readers of my blog anymore. If you've stuck around from awhile back, you've probably seen me transform from gyaru style to now occasionally dabbling in Cult Party, Mori, Dolly etc. and picking up Cosplay as a regular hobby.

I've also grown from a polytechnic student, to completing University and obtaining a degree to now gingerly stepping out into the working world. Unfortunately, things haven't quite worked out the way I had planned. I started out as a wide-eyed fresh graduate, full of confidence and optimism, and eager to learn as much as I could from my first job. It took me longer then I had hoped to land a decent job, and I was starting to get frustrated when I saw many of my University friends scoring jobs like it was the easiest thing ever. I jumped on the first job that accepted me, and it turned out to be 3 months of horror. I had no goals, no clue what I was doing as my job scope changed each month, given KPIs (Key Point Indicators) that were ridiculously high and my boss's moods changed constantly. Looking back, I realised my boss made a lot of crude, sexist remarks too. After I gave my resignation letter, I was unceremoniously kicked out of the company 2 weeks before my supposed last day when I came to work only to find my computer password had been locked and my company cards were removed from my stationary drawer (which means he went through my things).

I held my head high, took my last pay check and decided to search for something with better prospects. After throwing myself into job interviews, within a month I managed to find myself another job. I learnt a lot as I had a strict boss who had pretty high standards, so everything was learn fast or die. I taught myself to get around problems I had and my colleagues did help me out a lot whenever I was stuck. However, despite the profits we were making, my department was small, it was alright initially and I enjoyed my work despite fumbling occasionally. 

However, things changed. I had a new director and I was initially very optimistic. New administration and sales people were brought in to achieve higher targets, but I was still kept as a one-man marketing team. I requested for help but my request was only met with laughter as they considered that I alone was capable enough. Soon, all the sales people were coming to me with requests to produce more marketing materials with shorter timeframes. I was designing, writing, handling the department website, dealing with media, marketing new courses, helping the sales team achieve their targets etc. and it was alright initially. But soon, my director started giving me other departments work, I couldn't really reject them as he was big boss after all. But soon, it became unbearable, I had 3 superiors, all giving me different duties, each insisting their work was more important than the other. I was so busy and tired trying to finish them that I couldn't squeeze my brain for any form of creativity to produce new ideas to push the department further. I started having insomnia, and could only sleep 3-5 hours a night.

I was constantly tired, my face started having lots of pimples and I lost interest in most things. I was constantly angry and frustrated at everything and everyone, and I couldn't do shoots properly. I knew what this job was doing to me but I wanted to stay on, I wanted to complete at least a year so that I wouldn't look like a job-hopper in my resume. However, a simple visit to my doctor for my eczema meds ended up with me bawling my eyes out and my doctor diagnosing me with depression. He told me that naturally the best solution was to leave, but I was still adamant about staying as I was in the middle of several projects and didn't want the burden to be dumped on my other colleagues. I decided to persevere on, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when my director sat me down in his office and gave me an incredibly negative performance review. He listed many faults, some that I admit to, but some were completely unfair such as claiming people felt that I was unfriendly and showed attitude and that I was slow in my work (despite knowing that I had 3 departments worth of worked dumped onto me), that if I complained about the workload, why didn't I stay back to complete them (the company had a no over-time pay policy). I knew enough was enough, a few days later, I gave my resignation letter.

I thought I could slowly, finish up my duties and hopefully, train the new person who was taking my place. I was wrong. I was told my work attitude was poor and a lot of my colleagues started isolating me.

Soon enough, my last day came and went and now here I am, free from my suffocating job and hoping for a new future. I'm starting to mend my emotional and mental states and yesterday was the first day in months that I felt cheerful and happy. I'm still having some self-doubts and fighting the urge to feel like a failure, but I know that all these will just hold me down.

I wrote this post to not only explain why I haven't updated in awhile, but also as a form of self-release, to finally let out all the pent up frustrations and emotions I've been having for a long time. I'm on the mend and I know the road ahead probably will not be easy, but I'm starting to find the courage to face it once more.

I have many backlogs which I'm trying to complete now that I have the time to sit down and write, so please be patient with me. If you want faster updates, just head to my Instagram. In the mean time, I don't know how many people will read this and I know I'm opening myself to a lot of negative remarks but I still choose to write and post this as I don't want to hide myself behind a façade any more.